How Close Embrace Feels to Penguins

I have heard that penguins like close embrace tango because it simply feels good to be close to another.  This is how it feels to me too.

I am not a zoologist, but a limited study shows that penguins enjoy close embrace tango even if there are height differences with their partner.  Here's some evidence for this assertion:

Preparing for my 25th year of tango

I just bought the napkins for my 25th year of dancing tango:  A big 25 in silver.

It's going to be a big deal.  So I have to start buying things for it now, and preparing.  I have 21 years to prepare.

A 25th anniversary is "silver."  By that time there won't be anymore silver coins; so I am saving a bunch of 25-cent pieces for each guest (we used to call them "quarters").  That will be a blast from the past to have a silver coin in your hand again.

The flower for a 25th anniversary is the iris.  In Spanish arco iris is "rainbow"; so I will have an arch (arco) of irises of different colors when you come in the door and greet me with a tango hug and besitos for the ladies.   I will hire taxi dancers for all the girls who come back to tango on that day.  But my favorite tangueras will be the ones who stuck it out with me through the years.

I expect and will hope for many women returning to tango on that day.  It will be a long process to get women to come back, and I have to start now.  Statistically speaking women don't make it past four years in tango.  So dancing with beginners is important.  As I get to know them will, I will start giving each one of them my invitation for my 25th Tango Anniversary Party.  Some twenty years later they will have gotten over some of the rude comments, elitism, and frustration of the lack of dance partners.  This party will be full of taxi dancers and agreement among all to dance with one another.

Of course you are invited.  I'll put you in my database.


PS:
This genre of writing is called the ironic essay in the future tense.  My real purpose is for me to think about what it will take to nurture my tango so that I will be physically and mentally fit enough to be present at my own party.  Will I just burn out?  How likely is it that you will make it to 25?  If tango is an "addiction" you will be "cured" by the fourth to seventh year.  But if you see tango as way of being connected to others and joy of movement, you might start wanting to save up quarters too.  One thing about this essay -- your being invited was not ironic!

The description of how to get to my party is below.

Nighthawks: Tangueros who pass on the Right

This is NOT a collision but close embrace airborne tango

Tangueros collide.  Cars collide.  Airplanes collide.  Birds don't.  Or do they?

Well, we all know that birds do collide into windows, right?  Because they cannot see windows.  And I collide into people who pass on the right on the outside lane of dance, especially when my partner is a tall woman because I cannot see.  Men who pass on the right are "Night Hawk Tangueros."   In some respect tango dancers are very much like birds.  Not enough, but there are some similarities.  We are doing pretty well, and maybe even better than birds, given the task at hand.

Milonga movement together by outsiders looks harmonious -- like birds flying in a swarm.  As non-bird beings, we have no idea how birds are pissing each other off by getting too close or brushing up to each other.  We, as outsiders, have no idea about the peloton of birds.  Who knows?  Birds may be like a "flock" of le Tour de France cyclists.  Very dangerous, aggressive and not at all like most tangueros.  Or so we would hope.

The other thing is that birds of a feather flock together.  Ever see of swarm of sparrows changing direction with a few pelicans?  Tangueros have all types of birds flying in one swarm.  We are not birds of a feather. We are even more amazing than birds, I think!

Tango Birds (the abbreviated list):
Pelicans:  Tango Nuevo dancers need more room and flap around a lot more.
Eagles: Salon close embrace make a V-shape in order to do some cool maneuvers.
Song birds:  Milongueros tweeting around in a little space, loving the "feeling" of being a bird.
Mocking birds:  Sitting down at the tables and talking about all the other birds who are flying.
Night Hawks:  Tangueros passing on the right on the outside line of dance (also called, "bats-out-of-hell").
Wise Owls:  The man stalled out on the milonga floor explaining his wisdom to a new tanguera.  (Birds staying in any one spot for too long leave droppings, so watch your step.)
Chickens:  Tango lovers on sofas, watching "Dancing with the Stars."  Birds that do not fly, but are birds.

Wouldn't it be great if were all the same kind of bird?  It's never going to happen, so do your very best.  Collisions do happen, but lets hope that it is rare.

 If you do ever shoot a Night Hawk, be sure to do a slow barbecue.  They are really tough.



Photo:  See http://www.flickr.com/photos/dgriebeling/ for great professional photos.

Tango you can Inject $25



Secret ingredients from Buenos Aires                                        Photo M.Word 






















Okay, so I was stupid.  I couldn't go to the milonga last night, so I bought this product:

Tango Solution
100% guarantee:

• Increases a feeling of elation as if you were around friends.
• Increases awareness of fine music.
• Connects you to your primal being, the only mammal that moves to music.
• Provides a feeling as if you had been hugged by lots of friends.
• Feelings of mastery of life may result after only three injections.
• Decreases and often eliminates depression.

The package said that the ingredients came from an actual Milonga snack and water table in Buenos Aires. Also the the makers claimed that real milongueros stood around and blessed the water with lots of laughter and social interaction at a milonga.  The solution was mixed by placing it right next to the speakers that played a wide variety of authentic tango music.

I am too embarrassed to ask for my money back.  What was I thinking?  In my own defense, it was only an experiment to see if I could inject tango.

Nope.  Only tango at a milonga works.

If tango were my car ...

For a moment.  Just a moment.  I thought I should buy a Polo after seeing their car commercial distributed by VW in the UK.



What would a car commercial look like if it were made for me and my taste for tango?  It would be all about the connection I had to her leather, her handling in giros, ability to parada on a dime, windshield wipers that were the perfect boleos. With the electric key in my pocket, just a nod of the head would open her doors. In heavy traffic I would be glad to turn the surround-sound up and just be in her presence -- no texting, looking at who is looking -- just being there with her, the only car in the world.

But maybe I'll buy a VW Polo for my son.

Wardrobe Failure during a Tanda!

Being a tango therapist has it's responsibilities.  Although all my tango therapy work is pro bono, I think I have found my true calling.  Here is my latest therapy session.  Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

"Dear Tango Therapist:  Recently I was at a milonga and a very good dancer from out of town did this twisty move that undid my bra.  I feel as if I am pretty liberal, but I was embarrassed and didn't really know what to do or say.  What would you suggest in such circumstances?


Sincerely, 
Very Lucy in Austin"


Dear Very Lucy:  I am not sure if I can help you with unlikely future events, but I will submit some solutions to Jay Leno in case he has a live broadcast from Buenos Aires in the future.

Here they are:  The  Best 10 things to say when one has a Wardrobe Failure during a tanda:

10. "I can't reach this; can you snap this back on gracefully during the next song?" [Don't use this idea during a milonga tanda.]

9. "Now I know what they mean by 'vertical expression of a horizontal desire.'"

8. "That was incredible work -- without any hands. Did you learn that at a practica?"

7. "I was glad to get that off my chest."

6. "I feel a draft; do you?"

5.  "We are so glad to have tangeros from out of town with new moves."

4. "This is a first for me. I hope you will remember me."

3. "Restrictions no longer apply."

2. "This reminds me of an old negro spiritual I used to sing in church, called 'Free at Last.'"

And the number 1 thing to say when a bra-strap pops open during a tanda [drum roll]:

1. "Would you call that move a bra-léo, señor?" [Said with a low, sultry voice.]


I am sure that comments will help with excellent ideas in such circumstances; so please leave a comment.

The Red Card at the Milonga

I have three ideas that will certainly stop the mayhem on the milonga dance floor.  By "mayhem," I mean that people are routinely hurt from poor floorcraft at milongas.  Important hint:  floorcraft has nothing to do with witchcraft.  The last idea (solution three) is a time-tested method which is used in Buenos Aires.  See this link for a woman's view of mayhem:  http://mytangodiaries.blogspot.com/2010/03/surveying-damage-floorcraft-rant.html

Solution one:  The "Red Card Milonga."  In soccer if the referee gives you "the red card" you are out of the game.  I do NOT propose throwing people out of a milonga, but I fancy having merely a single "Red Card Milonga" a month.  Certain men would be sent special invitations.

Solution two:   The "Red Card Tanda."  How about a pre-milonga tanda that has different partners with every song? Men move forward two women between tangos. When there are bumps or bruises one stops and holds up a hand.  Red card.  Referees circulate quickly giving out yellow cards when both men hold up a hand and point at each other.  To keep the tanda full, no one is made to sit down. The song ends; each man moves forward two ladies. No tally is made but it become clear who is a champion tango-card collector.

The Green Card
Every man is green at tango for the first year.  So he should never be given a red or yellow card.  With one exception:  Red if he the injury he causes draws blood, yellow if a person injured screams/moans in pain from the pain the Green Man causes.

The Pink Card
It is fairly rare, but woman can be either accomplices or fully at fault for unnecessary pain on the dance floor.  The Pink Card, for example, can be "earned" by doing high boleos when a slight boleo was led.  

The White Polk-Dotted Card
This card is white with polka dots because of Bonnie and Clyde's white sedan with bullet holes.  (The polka dotts signify the homicidal feelings that are repressed about the pain caused.)  This is the only shared card.  Sharing is usually a thing God wants.  Not in this case.  I had a foot barely miss my FACE in Denver.  Whoa, Nelly.  Women are not puppets they don't even have to do that dangerous boleo or what-the-hell-is-that karate kick.  In some countries stilettos need a concealed weapon license.  (Not really, but that sounds good, doesn't it?)  Those stilettos can cause scars.  Did he really force your hand (or foot) on a tight dance floor?  The lady may unwittingly or wittingly become an accessory to the crime.  Thereafter a woman has the right to avoid a dancer who attempts to use her as his weapon of mass destruction.  Which brings us to the card that the person receives for causing the most mayhem of the night ...

The George W. Bush Card (also known as the WMD Card)

The Dancing WMD (weapon of mass destruction) deserves the infamous George Bush Card.  However unlike George W. Bush's hunt for WMD, these weapons are found at some milongas regularly.  Unlike Saddam Hussein, the tanguero who earns this card may actually be a nice guy.  Maybe he's the guy who has two kids.  Works hard.  Funny guy.  We all really like him.  We would not want to shame him publicly.  So we would never give out this shameful card, but at the end of the night he truly has earned the WMD Card -- often without even knowing it.  Look at what has happened:  He constantly bumped into others. 

• Mary Ann has the stigmata of stilettos making the mouth of sad face on her right calf. 
• Gerri left early because she felt bad about hurting Mary Ann. 
• A few guys have decided that this milonga is too tight and dangerous; so they will stop coming to that particular milonga. 
• The 6-month old tangero is giving up because he feels he failed to protect the lady.

The winner of the WMD Card is also one of the most talented dancers.  Yet, he has demotivated not only women but other men.  The new tanguero -- heck any tanguero -- may feel that he cannot protect his lady.  New tangueros may feel inadequate by the "great dancing" of the guy who hurt his lady.   Others know and like the showboat tanguero and put up with him.  Even on a no-injury night, he has disturbed others' magical moments of musical freedom and embrace.

The third solution: Let's call this solution, the ...

No-Fault Card Solution
The rule in Buenos Aires (although not always practiced well) is old-world civility at its best. The gentlemanly milongueros apologize even if they did not cause the accident.  They pull out the No-Fault Card.  This does two things.  First it stops the action and acknowledges a foul.  In a game that no fouls are called, the fouls increase.  Secondly, stopping to apologize tells the ladies that they are dancing with gentlemen.  It teaches the Green Man or WMD Man (or whoever) that what just happen is not cool.  It's a foul.
So in case anyone thinks that a Red Card Milonga might appear soon in Austin, Texas, let me say clearly:  Solution number three resolves the issue.  In a dance that is lead and follow -- the true gentlemen tangueros will lead and others will follow.

A Tango Wake

Instruction for a tanguero's death:


When I die, give me a tango wake.

Music
Play tanda-sets like this: 2 milongas, a tango, 2 milongas, a vals and then repeat until all sorrow leaves you. Play Biaggi,
Di Sarli and some Gotan Project. No Piazzola.

Who to Invite
First of all invite all those who have greeted me with an embrace me, both men and women who are part of tango communities in the US, Germany and France.

At the top of the list are those fine tangueras who would meet with me and practice with me in our love of tango. My condolences to these tangueras if they felt that I loved tango more than them.  Sorry.  It is just that women have come and gone in my life, but la música y el tango se queda a mi lado.  (I hope they'll forgive me.)

Then I want to extend a special invitation to my enemies because they (a) have been my best mentors, helping me to become a better person; (b) they will be so happy that I am dead that it certainly will liven the party to have them there celebrating! Perhaps they can experience a community that is more loving and open than the church they go to. The tango community isn't perfect, but I do not know hate or disdain like I have seen in churchs my enemies attend.

Finally on the "who-to-invite-list": I will leave some money for professional mourners (all women) in red stilettos, hysterically feigning their great loss; so that my friends can dance uninhibited because at least SOMEONE is crying.

This will be harder, but please try:
Please everyone try to dance in close embrace. It will signify that you recognize that the people you dance with may be no longer with you tomorrow; so embrace them closely while you can.

Do not cry for me Argentina
I will be in heaven dancing with the angels.

The Frog and the Scorpion

Frog and Scorpion
(The tango version, by Mark Word)


The great forest milonga was about to begin....

While Frog was sitting on the bank of a river, he was approached by Scorpion. Just as Frog was about to flee, Scorpion called out in her alluring voice, "Wait! Please, Frog, carry me across the river on your back! I have no other way to the milonga tonight!"

Frog, shocked by such an outlandish request, replies, "Why should I carry you across the river? You would most certainly sting me with your intoxicating tail and mark up my back with your stilettos. My tango partner would certainly kill me when she sees me intoxicated and scratches on my back!"

Sensual Scorpion says, "You are right about that; it is my nature to sting and leave my stigmata. So true, Frog. Can’t argue with that."

However, having been duely warned by Scorpion herself that it was her nature to sting and leave her marks, Frog assessed her as a kind-hearted -- although dangerous --creature.

So Frog fearing both the wrath of his partner and the danger of Scorpion says, "Then take off your tango shoes and pull off the end of your tail, for you will grow another.  Then I will assist you on your quest to go to the milonga."

Scorpion, knowing her own nature, agreed with this logic, and without delay complied with Frog's request.

Frog took Scorpion to the other side of the river and they parted friends.

Frog returned to his warm rock, and sat there staring at the end of Scorpion's tail as he waited for his partner to arrive.

Shortly thereafter, the Frog's tanguera returned, and said, "My God, I leave you for just an hour, and you already have been off getting a little tail from a hot, stiletto-clad scorpion.  Men!"

Morale of the story (alternative 1): Things start going bad when you ask a woman to take off her tango shoes.

Morale of the story (alternative 2):  First the tail.  Then dance with her until she takes off her own shoes on her own volition.

The original story goes like this:

"A frog was sitting on the bank of a river when he was approached by a scorpion. Just as the frog was about to flee, the scorpion called out, "Wait! Please carry me across the river on your back! I have no other way home!"

The frog, shocked by such an outlandish request, replied, "Why should I carry you across the river? You would most certainly sting me, and I'd die!"

The scorpion replied thoughtfully and logically, "If I stung you, then we would both die. Why would I want that? So please, will you carry me across the river?"

The frog thought about it and agreed that the scorpion's logic was sound. He allowed the scorpion to climb on to his back and began to swim across the river.

Half way across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The frog exclaimed as they both began to sink, "Why? Why did you sting me? Now we'll both drown!"

The scorpion replied only, "I'm a scorpion. It is my nature."

Tango's Ten Commandments: If Moses had been in Argentina for 40 Years

Tango's Ten Commandments:
If Moses had been in Argentina for 40 Years

Moses was lost for 40 years on the Sinai peninsula.  If you look at the Sinai Peninsula and compare it with the shape of South America, you will see two similar land masses.  Now, notice that Mount Sinai is approximately in the same place as Buenos Aires when comparing the similarly shaped land mass.  Hmmm.  Maybe God is trying to tell us something.  What if Moses had been lost in Argentina for 40 years?  He may have come down from Mount Sinai with different rules.  I was just trying to imagine what he might say.
Maybe something like this:

Thou shalt not have any partner before you other than the one in front of you.

 Thou shalt not idolize tango shoes in pictures.  Just buy them.

Thou shalt not use the name of tango in vain by using the adjective "ballroom" in front of it.

Remember Sabado because there is always a milonga on that day.  Definitely do not work on that day!

Honor the father of tango -- all the immigrants who brought their part to tango, and the mother of tango, Argentina, whose 'womb' brought to us this most incredible dance.  (In other words, know your traditions before you try to change them.)

Thou shalt not murder your feet today because you should be dancing all the way through life.

Thou shalt enjoy thy vertical expression of a horizontal desire until the end of the tanda.  BUT THEN take your true partner home with you at the end of the night.

Thou shalt not steal all the room on the dance floor, showing off your newly purchased volcada.  (The Path to heaven and the lanes on the dance floor are both narrow.)

Thou shalt not bear false witness against another dancer because you were once a beginner too.

Thou shalt not covet the partner of another -- especially when dancing with the one you are with!

Shalom!

Note:  I have climbed to the top of the Holy Mountain in the Sinai, when I was in Egypt on a peace keeping mission in the Multi-National Forces & Observers.  The most amazing thing about this holy place was the stillness.  Almost weird.  An Orthodox monk also described this feeling I experienced after I had descended down to the monastery there.  Also, I was amazed that it was not the tallest mountain.  Just a mountain.  My whimsical ideas above are made in full respect to laws that have guided many people to be closer with their God.  May your next milonga find the same stillness and wonder even if you end up dancing with someone not as tall as you thought they would be.

The Tanguero’s Beatitudes

Okay, you were wondering why I call myself the Unknown Tango Theologian, and so today I am being a bit more overt. As a joke, I once called myself the “Unknown Tango Theologian” at work with some friends. I would write things each morning, such as, “Hells Angels and Heaven’s Angels ride motorcycles. The difference is that Heaven’s Angels never run out of gas.” My colleagues started wanting more tango theology.

But that was just a joke. It hasn’t been a joke at all how tango has given me some great insights that have helped me spiritually and as a therapist, helping souls ripped apart by war. Tango has changing the way I help soldiers with PTSD. I called it the “tango effect” which took me out of the role of being the “leader” in my office and started watching for the tango effect to change both my client and my own life.  I discovered on the dance floor that music, the moment, the woman could lead me to some new inspiration.  And she would say, you led that so nicely.  But in reality, the "tango effect" was leading us both down a wonderful path of discovery.  I started seeing that everywhere, especially with soldiers in my office.
Anyway, some don’t like Tango Theology, and I am hiding from hard-line Druids, Christians, Muslims, etc., who wish to ruin my dancing by killing me. So if you know my real name, please don’t tell anyone at your local institution of religion. Don’t forget the adjective “unknown,” okay?

There are some sacred things that we can dumb down by making fun. But the following “remake” on the Beatitudes is only a fun-loving application of the profundity of the true beatitudes.

The Tanguero’s Beatitudes
Blessed are the poor in fancy steps,
for they will inherit the joy of tango.

Blessed are the tangueros who mourn,
for their tango melancholy shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for their cabeceos shall possess more tandas.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice of righteous floorcraft,
for they shall be satisfied with a perfect milonga.

Blessed are the merciful on the dance floor,
for they will limit the amount of ochos they do in a row.

Blessed are the pure and centered heart,
for they shall stay centered on their partner’s heart.

Blessed are the peace making tangueros,
avoiding collisions on the milonga dance floor,
for they will be called true “milongueros.”

Blessed be those with persecuted feet,
for so persecuted the tangueras of yore their feet.

Part II of "The Airplane Trip, Tango and Sex"

"Flying an airplane, tango and sex all have two essential elements: The take off and the landing. The ride in the middle should be enjoyable and not too bumpy, but taking off and landing are essential." The Unknown Tango Theologian from Salado's exegesis of the Song of Solomon

"Ladies and Gents, put your seats and tray tables in the upright position. We are about to aterrizar"....

Let me suggest something to tangueros/tangueras for phase one of the landing -- the approach. The landing is not just the man's role. On Thursday, Kay added something to a tango landing of mine that made it perfect. She made a move I had never had experienced. Mostly women are just happy to be alive, but she had enough wits about her to add a nice dip in elevation to the last beat. Women have taken the controls and landed for me because I was sleeping or distracted by a near miss of a Kamikaze pilot. Women make all the difference in the world to my crazy landings to a milonga. (Milonga landings are with a helicopter-on-springs -- not fixed wing landings.) Just this last weekend, Loreen, Bentley, Judith and Janet inspired me with fun landings that made me laugh. Just incredible.
My suggestion to both men and women is that you discover what makes the ending happen musically. The bandoneon typically goes through two phrases (of usually 8 bars) where the musician shows virtuosity (fast playing) and brings it to an end. If the leader/follower knows this, then in a sense you know that the GROUND is coming up soon. Good to know that piece of information about the ground, you know.

[Tangueros, this is harder, but I will add it (since the blog is called "Tango Beat"): If you dance on the up-beat for at least the last two measures you will land on the downbeat when it you hit the ground. The vals I count (and feel) in six beats per measure, dancing the last few six-beat phrases (measures) on 1, 3, 5 and land on 1 (the downbeat).  There is a milonguero on YouTube whom I love to watch but he crashes on every end.  I hope is reading this.]

In aviation the word "attitude" means the angle of decent -- attitude is everything:
Sure, hitting the ground without crashing is a very nice climax as climaxes go. But that is not the entire landing.  My God! You are alive! Maybe more alive that any other time in last few hours, days, months, years. Embrace someone for a moment! Don't just jump away like you are embarrassed to have embraced a human being for 3 minutes.

Are we there now?
No. The entire landing is still not over until you taxi to the terminal. Wait until the pilot has turned off the safety belt sign. One's after-play is essential too. I like to take the woman back to her chair, but she has to be willing. Is she already running off to see about her next flight? Maybe a lover is waiting for her in the terminal? Or (more likely) she has been accustomed to not be escorted to her chair. If she is willing and expectant, our last moments together allow me to talk to her since I haven't talked to her more than a few sentences between songs. The cortinas (curtains) close on a the stage of a great play. After-play.

¡Bon Voyage, Tangueros!

The Airplane Ride, Tango and Sex

"Flying an airplane, tango and sex all have two essential elements: The take off and the landing. The ride in the middle should be enjoyable and not too bumpy, but taking off and landing are essential."  The Unknown Tango Theologian from Salado's exegesis of the Song of Solomon

I wrote the above sentences on Facebook from an inspiration to Mari's Blog a few weeks ago (see links on the left).  It was an attempt at humor.  But the idea of the take off and land really has changed the way I start my tango.  I am more prone to put on my safety belt (settle into the embrace) and see if my partner has her belt on too. If she is already putting on the drop-down oxygen bag, I have two options to consider: (1) Loosen up on my embrace a bit; (2) taxi back to the start of the runway and find some breath mints.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please take out the card from the back of your seat pocket, and read along.

The analogy now is the take off in a plane / the start of a tango / and foreplay.  I pilot my plane early.  I start to taxi on dance floor as other pilots are stalled talking to the tanguera who is about to board. So making the embrace secure can take more time without causing a crash into other pilots who are placticando.

The musician in me makes it hard for me to talk while the music is playing; so I am not much good at small talk after the music starts. Music distracts me and rebounds around in my cerebellum, impelling me to get moving, not talking. So I really have to think about making sure my partner is ready to move with me.

Loreen, a San Antonio tanguera, told me yesterday, "Do you realize that you are dancing before we even get on the floor?" I hadn't really thought about it. That's not my cabeceo, that is my head bobbing around as I am walking towards you to ask if you will go with me on a make-belief trip to Buenos Aires. I don't fly a plane in real life, but I am pilot actor on the dance floor.

"In a few moments the pilot will take of the seat belt sign":
On the other hand, I am not an actor with love making; I hope the same for you.  Fortunately, I had a great first coach (my first girlfriend) in the "take off" phase of love making (close embrace, I might add). Foreplay is a better analogy for a tango start than a plane take-off. A take off in a plane is not as difficult as a landing. BUT foreplay and a good tango start are indeed essential for everything else that follows.

"Ladies and Gents, put your seats and tray tables in the upright position. We are about to aterrizar"....

About the landing... tomorrow!